One Of These Days Life Will Stop Sucking
by FHT3rdandCo
Summary: ...just not today. K2.
1. Prank

_((A/N: Hee~ Muse wa nemui desu... kinou benkyou-shimashita to yomishimashita to shigoto-shimashita to shukudai-shimashita~! Demo Muse wa genki sukoshi desu! Konshuu haru yasumi! Yukatta!__ ...can you tell I'm enjoying my nihongo no krausu maybe a bit too much? x3;;  
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_Disclaimer: I don't own jack._

_Muse-chan out!))_

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><p><strong>One Of These Days Life Will Stop Sucking<br>**

_Prank_**  
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"If you could go back in time and tell your past self one thing, what would be?"

"…this weeks lottery numbers?"

Frustration showed clearly on his face, "No! Seriously, what would you say?"

"…you 'seriously' underestimate my love of money." Kenny sighed, leaning back in the chair, teetering it dangerously on its back two legs, "I dunno, maybe 'avoid that fatass and his merry men, they smell like trouble'."

Kyle slapped Kenny's arm agitatedly, causing the boy to momentarily lose balance and catch it again, "Ass. Why do you have to be difficult?"

Kenny shrugged, to be entirely honest he couldn't actually think of anything to tell his younger self that the little creep wouldn't figure out on his own anyway. Car's dangerous, death painful, school boring, Cartman is trouble… was there really anything else to know?

Other than mainly unavoidable things that he wouldn't be able to do anything about anyway Kenny had very few regrets.

Regrets…

"Ah! I've got it!" Kenny perked, finally thinking of what he would tell his smaller self.

Kyle urged him to respond, curious and happy that Kenny finally seemed interested in the topic, "Well?"

Kenny nodded sagely, "I'd tell him to take home ec more seriously; it _really_ sucked being kicked out of that class." Not to mention painful and terrifying.

The redhead blinked, "That's your biggest regret…?" he paused as if expecting Kenny to tell him that he was kidding again, "You _do_ realize that entire sexist class was about getting rich husbands, right?"

It was a well known fact what went on in that classroom after they had Marjoine infiltrate it in order to find the secrets of the future telling device. When Butter's left the classroom asking for a new Prada bag everyone sort of figured it out.

"Hey! I could use a rich husband!"

Kyle face palmed and chose not to justify the cry with a retort. At this Kenny was just _trying_ to confuse him. Instead Kyle just raised a careful eyebrow at the stack of boobylicious magazines that were sitting innocently on the blond's kitchen table.

Because 'husbands' _totally_ have boobs.

"What about you?"

Kyle blinked, surprised by Kenny's sudden interest, "Hm?"

"What would you tell your past self?"

"A lot of things I guess," Kyle scratched his cheek subconsciously, obviously flustered by having the spot light changed, "Like not to throw away my Chinpokemon collection, it would be worth a fortune on ebay now…"

Kyle had a lot of things he regretted doing and not doing in his childhood, it was kind of hard for him to pinpoint an exact thing to save himself from doing… maybe stop Cartman before he swore in class that one time? It would stop that whole anti-Canada thing his mom started…

…how did that end again anyway? He knew they'd failed their mission because (stupid) Cartman couldn't just turn off the fucking alarms… Kyle shrugged; he'd been eight at the time so it was kind of understandable that he couldn't quite remember how it ended now. The important thing is Terrance and Phillip aren't dead.

With a sigh, Kyle shrugged the arbitrary question and began the task that had brought him to the blond's apartment to begin with.

Washing dishes.

It was strange, almost random, but Kyle would drop by Kenny's apartment once a week or so, chat a bit, and then wash dishes. It wasn't an apartment wide clean or even a grossly (abundant? Mistreated?) job. Just the normal sink full or two that anyone might have after a week of barely having time to finish work, much less wash fucking _dishes_.

Kenny supposed it calmed Kyle. He remembered quite a few times in his childhood when Sheila Broflovski would get wound up near the breaking point and vent her frustrations by washing dishes. Kyle tended to take after his mom a lot.

He didn't think that Kyle washed everyone's dishes, it'd be kinda weird if he did(not that it wasn't already a bit weird), but Kenny wasn't the type to care if someone washed his dishes(one less thing for him to do). Stan would wonder if Kyle'd gone mental and, especially if he linked the habit to Sheila, attempt to help rid him of the habit, Butter's would spend the entire time fretting over someone doing his job, and Cartman… well, there was no way in hell Kyle would be caught dead doing something for Cartman aside from maybe a (only mildly) malicious prank.

So it worked out, more or less, hanging out with Kenny. Kenny was smart enough not to question and lazy enough to appreciate the task. Besides, it was nice to see his friend on a weekly basis; sometimes it just got hard trying to keep up with his childhood friends and their latest antics. Sure they still got together here and there but nothing was quite like the freedom of childhood.

…also when he was a kid he could ogle breasts openly and worst case scenario girls would think he was wondering what they were.

Ah, to be a child.

Kenny grinned perversely and decided to spend the rest of Kyle's visit ogling his primo ass. While Kenny might not particularly be into guys, he could always appreciate a well made body part.

Kyle wasn't sure why he felt like hitting Kenny but experience had taught him to hit first and ask questions later.

The silly little town of South Park hadn't changed much in the years and it wasn't planning on changing anytime soon. People came, people left, fads took over, and idiots ruled the town… really the cute little town wasn't quite ready for things to change more hectically than they already usually did.

So really it just wasn't fair that fate had to up and decide to play a prank.

_What would you tell your past self if you had the chance?_

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><p><em>((Ending Notes: Ugh... I need to stop writing new fics and update the old... bah humbug. In any case, tell me if ya like it! This is kinda a spur of the moment inspiration.<em>

_-a very exhaused Muse.))  
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	2. Wrong

**One Of These Days Life Will Stop Sucking**

_Wrong_

It was now, months later, that Kenny recalled the half hearted question his friend had asked all those months ago.

Not due to sudden particular interest but out of amusing irony as his current situation came into focus.

Across from him, at a very neat table, sat the ghastly hooded figure that Kenneth had had the _innate_ pleasure of meeting a few times in his life; the most memorable being when he had spent a few hours running away from him with his friends. He'd never forget the sight of Stan's grandpa chasing them with demands for death.

…damn, that old fart was _still_ alive, wasn't he? Kenny couldn't help but chuckle slightly at the irony.

Death from his position across the table didn't share the mirth and instead deadpanned the young adult, SO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MUST DO?

Kenny's smile faded somewhat and he nodded mildly, "More or less. Go back, save town, stop villain, thems the basics right?"

YES, Death responded, seeming satisfied with the analysis.

"Can I ask one itsy question though?" Kenny piped, raising his hand weakly.

Death was unaffected, GO AHEAD.

"…why me?"

YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN. YOU DO NOT FULLY EXIST IN THIS REALITY AND THEREBY ARE UNABLE TO AFFECT THE CURRENT OF TIME.

_Well that would make sense of a lot of things…_ Kenny refrained from grumbling something rude, this all sounded more trouble than it was worth, and finally nodded decidedly, "And I don't have a choice, right?"

WHEN DO YOU EVER? Was Death's bland attempt at humor.

Oddly, Kenny did find it funny, "Sounds about right." Getting to his feet he walked to the kitchen to grab a beer, "When do I get started?"

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><p>Something <em>strange<em> was happening in South Park. Of course there was always something strange happening in South Park but this sincerely gave Kyle a bad feeling and not only because Cartman seemed to be involved.

For starters the children seemed… _tense_. Kyle honestly wouldn't have noticed except for he happened to be babysitting when things started getting odd. Suddenly both of Stan's nephews had gone from completely relaxed to tense and on edge, as if something was seriously wrong.

The trend continued with other children he saw. Every child in South Park seemed to have sensed something very, very bad.

The second sign that things were not indeed right was Cartman's absence. Sure the maniac had a tendency to go off the map for some crazy adventure or another but it was incredibly rare that he ever did so without at least dragging _one_ of their 'merry band' with him. Cartman hated being alone.

The final thing that had sent a chill down the man's spine and convinced him that something was not as it should be was the irresistible urge to wash dishes.

It was a silly thing but something about the urge gave him a surge of panic. Like something was distinctly missing and this loss would send everything else spiraling into disarray.

And to make matters worse he couldn't seem to even _look_ at the color orange without feeling extreme dread and worry.

"_What would your past self tell you if they had the chance?"_

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><p><em>((Ending Notes: pooo shorter than I wanted but I covered everything I wanted to in this chappy~ next chappy will be longer (there's way moar to cover)<em>

_Hope peeps liked it! Please review~_

_-a slightly exhausted Muse.))  
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	3. Age

_((A/N: Hooray! Slightly longer chapter! I kind of wanted to keep with the trend of short chapters but long chapters are normally better. -nods sagely-_

_Disclaimer: Dun' own nothin'_

_Muse-chan out!))_

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><p><strong>One Of These Days Life Will Stop Sucking<strong>

_Age_**  
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"Do people get stupid with age or something?"

The question rang through the air with perfect clarity, scaring the hell out of one Stanley Marsh as he (attempted) to type out a proposal for work. It was horridly late at night and he had work first thing in the morning and if he didn't finish writing this _retarded_ proposal he could kiss his job goodbye.

One quick examination of the room showed what Stan already knew to be true, he was the only one present in his small and lonely apartment.

"Am I going crazy…?"

"No, seriously, do people get really stupid as they grow older?" this time the voice was closer and Stan was positive he hadn't imagined it. Leaping out of his seat Stan searched the room fervently for the source of the childish voice.

"Down here, moron."

If Stan hadn't been so panicked maybe he would have been able to look at the child at his feet without freaking out, but it seemed that people did grow slightly daft with age and the man stumbled back so harshly that he managed to fall back and hit his head against the corner of a desk, knocking him unconscious.

The child pinched his nose with what could be considered embarrassment.

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><p>"Six, thirty-four, seventy-five, sixty-nine, twenty, ninety-two." Kenny hummed slightly, hoping he remembered the numbers correctly.<p>

A chance like this didn't come often.

The streets of South Park were empty for the most part, it being the lazy part of the day where everyone was either at work, at home, or at school and no one really ventured outside. Kenny liked it; it gave him free reign to take a long calculated look at the town and try to think of a way out of the newest mess he'd been caught in.

Making a slight clicking noise Kenny took in the all too familiar and all too foreign view of his home town. This, if his information was correct, was when the trouble began.

"Let's see… they'd be about nine or ten…" He snickered, "Sounds about right. Everything seemed to happen around that time."

The irony was not escaping him that the usual antagonist from back then was now the damsel in distress. Oh, he was _never_ going to let that fatass live this down…

"Excuse me."

Kenny started, not expecting anyone but his awesome self to be in the area, looking down he had to resist a full on laugh.

Well, well, if this wasn't the cutest thing he ever saw…

The small child gave him a dirty look, the type that grannies gave underage mothers, before continuing, "Have you seen another kid around my age? He has a blue hat with red accents and—"

Kenny tried but he couldn't resist laughing, "Oh my god, he was such a stupidly cute kid! I _need_ to rub this in his face!"

Kyle glared at the laughing adult, while he wasn't as jaded as Stan tended to be about adults he knew they were kind of stupid but this guy was just outright annoying. What the hell was so funny about this? Stan was missing and this jerk was talking about nonsense! If he didn't know he could have just said so!

"Listen asshole, if you're not going to take me seriously could you please take your crazy somewhere else?"

This only made him laugh harder.

Kyle huffed and turned to continue his search. He wouldn't have been so worried about his friends disappearance(the guy seemed to have a thing for wandering off and doing quests when Kyle wasn't looking) but the fatass wasn't anywhere to be seen either and that usually spelled trouble.

"Wait, wait, I think I know where your friend is!" Kyle blinked, turning to see the still giggling blond jog up to him, "You said he wore a—" snicker "—blue hat? Does he have a habit of pinching his nose?"

Rightly Kenny probably ought not to have continued to mess around with the child any more than necessary but really, when would he ever have another chance to tease a young Kyle Broflovski?

Kyle quirked a brow, this guy spelled all levels of creepy, "Yes…"

Kenny brightened, "I know exactly where he is! Don't worry about it, he's okay." _Probably. Last I checked that proposal for work was going to be the death of him._

"Well where is he?"

Huh, hadn't counted on that.

Children are surprisingly apt.

"Er…"

Kyle glared, "You don't know at all, do you?"

Kenny scratched his cheek, "Well that really depends on the context."

The child groaned, Stan was right, adults were weird and stupid.

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><p>Villainy is an art. Corrupting the souls of the many in order to achieve the ideal goal is an exact beautiful science that could bring even the innocent of hearts to tears of poor sadistic joy.<p>

(He defended this argument with the innocent souls he has corrupted in the past using this _art_)

_This_ on the other hand was not villainy. This was a _sham_! An _outrage_! He had _never_ in all his life seen such a horrifyingly annoying attempt at villainy…

…okay so that's a dirty lie, he's lived in South Park his entire life. He'd seen _much_ worse.

But this was different! They were using _his_ amazing self for the horrid attempt at villainy!

Worse yet they were using the over clichéd 'for the greater good' bit. Sure, he himself used that one all the time, it was a great way to get your way, but he didn't actually _believe _it. Greater good be damned, he was in for his own good!

…not that there wasn't a time that experienced such an empathy for humanity, or at least deluded himself into believing it was an empathy for other people, but he had been young and frankly he hadn't quite mastered the art of _victory_.

(He usually got distracted by small things like annoyinglittlebastardjewrats—he was too angry with Kyle at the moment to think of him for long enough to not slur the words— that he became too distracted to think his plans through thoroughly enough)

That was beside the point though! Whatever little bastard thought up this retarded plot anyway? It wasn't even going to make any annoyinglittlebastardjewrats cry! It was just so pointlessly random that he couldn't even understand the logic behind it!

It was like this entire plot was thought up by some sociopathic, paranoid, retarded child with way too much time on their hands and too much evil to control.

…oh.

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><p>In some ways, Kenny felt some irony at following the child home(against it's wishes). Kyle's one sentiment on Kenny's risqué(slutty) nature was 'so long as Kenny didn't start following children home that he wouldn't argue.'<p>

(quite the settlement coming from the confrontational son of Sheila Broflovski Kenny would say)

Following the young and irate Kyle to his house felt quite like sticking his tongue out at the older red head whilst making raspberry sounds.

Kyle turned to glare at the stranger for what he hoped would be the last time, "Why are you following me?"

_My own sick amusement?_ "I'm worried. You're supposed to be school and you said that Stan was missing. Any adult would be concerned!" Kenny felt like pumping his chest proudly, it _really_ wasn't often he was able to act like the adult in front of Kyle.

Kyle gave him a bland nonplussed expression and Kenny felt his ego go down slightly, _and apparently, even now, he can _still_ make me feel like the child…_

"Listen you creep—" Kyle paused, eyes moving to lock with Kenny's with mild horror, "How the hell do you know Stan's name?"

Whoops, so Stan's name hadn't been introduced yet? Shit Kyle was sharp.

Kenny couldn't help but mumble without thinking, "Dude I was totally right, you _were_ the smartest kid in the class."

Kyle's eyes widened and he looked Kenny up and down in shock. Kenny's own eyes grew larger, shit he'd totally blown his cover… not that Death said it had to be a secret but he kind of figured that came with the territory and all that jazz. Did this mean he failed his mission? Would he like pop out of existence or something? One thing was for sure, Death was going to be _pissed_.

He _knew_ he shouldn't have worn orange today, it was a dead give away!

After a moment and a step back, Kyle finally found his voice, "What have you done with Stan?"

Kenny blinked once. Twice. Finally he cocked his head to the side with an ever intellectual, "Huh?"

"I'm on to you! You're kidnapping kids, aren't you?"

Luckily for Kenny, while Kyle was extraordinarily intelligent for his age (well, more along the lines of smarter than the ass retarded adults of South Park, which really didn't say much) he wasn't inclined to believe the most ridiculous explanation before a more logical one that presented itself…

…scratch that, _because_ Kyle was intelligent he came up with several logical explanations that _actually made sense_ before the more outlandish reasons even _occurred _to him.

"Oh… right… _duh_, that _does_ make more sense doesn't it?"

Unfortunately for Kenny, he had the occasional bout of not knowing when to keep his trap shut.

Kyle's brows scrunched together, "What are yo—"

"Okay kid, you hate your fatass friend, right?"

Kyle blinked, taken aback by the sudden change of pace and suddenly mildly (only mildly 'cause the fatass deserved whatever came to him) concerned for Cartman's safety, "What does tha—"

"I swear I won't _kill_ him, the brats just caused me and my buddy," _'cause him and Death were totally tight,_ "A bit of… trouble so I'd like to stop him and probably give him a wedgy." because if he did anything else Kyle's conscious might make him unable to help.

(not that said conscious _really_ worked when Cartman was involved and particularly on the receiving end… at least not until the deed was done)

"Wh—"

"And then Stan will be back and even the stupid fatass," _Kenny will probably be dead though, that seems to happen a lot during things like this_, "And everything will go back to normal."

"Would you sto—"

"So do you know where th—Ow!" Kenny clutched his shin painfully.

"Stop cutting me off, damnit!"

'_Yep, definitely Kyle…_'

"Who the hell are you anyway? What did Cartman do _this time_? Who's your buddy? Where the hell did you put Stan?" Kyle looked like he would have liked to ask many more questions but restrained himself with shocking self control (said control being exhibited by _not_ killing Kenny) and glared impatiently at the irritating stranger, "Who are you?"

Strangely familiar blue eyes stared down at him and for the first time since meeting the weirdo Kyle actually looked at his eyes… making him feel a sort of déjà vu that made him mildly uncomfortable.

'_Name's… right… most people have them…_' Kenny grinned sheepishly, "Todd?"

Kyle prepared himself to kick the liar in the shins again.

Kenny hopped back clumsily, "Kenneth! My name is Kenneth!"

Kyle stopped himself midway from kicking him. Kenneth let out a sigh of relief.

And then there was an explosion from across town. Kenneth winced when, after the initial shock of hearing a freakin' _explosion_ Kyle glared at Kenneth like it was somehow his fault.

Maybe this wouldn't be as easy as Kenny thought…

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><p><em>((Ending Notes: Because it totally was Kenny's fault. Really. x3 Gonna refer to older Kenny as 'Kenneth' because it makes it easier in my head. 'Todd' was the first name I thought of just randomly... I kind of wanted to write 'Kevin' because there are just so many Kevin's in South Park. Beh, this chappy didn't come out exactly how I wanted it... aw well. Hakuna matata.<br>_

_-a very silly Muse.))  
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